There was this course that I did a few years back with the Art of Living in Bangalore. As a part of that, there was an exercise where two people would sit facing each other - and one would ask the other : Who are you ?..... the other would reply.... to which the first person again asks : who are you ?.... reply again.... and once again the question repeats : Who are you ?...... and so the question kept repeating on and on......
It was a very interesting and revealing exercise, because it got you thinking about different identities, your different realities, till you came to a point of wonder thinking.... who AM I afterall ? Am I this body ? Am I the relationships I have ? Am I the job that I do ? Am I the position that I hold in my profession ? Am I my thoughts ? Am I my feelings ? Am I my deepest fears ? Am I my biggest hopes ?
But the point of this article is not to get into that discussion. It just occurred to me - now that I am in this fallow period between two professions - that we tend to identify ourselves so deeply with the circumstances of our lives.... with the labels and tags we carry. Till the end of June, I was Arun Rao, "Country Manager PC business" for hp. From the first of July, when I was no longer that "tag" - for a little while, I lost myself. Monday mornings I would involuntarily look at my watch at 10:30a.m - the weekly CSU call with AP region - 2pm, the thought would flash that its Prayer time - weekly sub-region call and 4pm involuntarily again, the thought of the ALT meeting would flash past. Its said that shell-fish, often continue to open and close their shells on the tide schedule of their old home waters, even when they have been transplanted to the laboratory tank or the restaurant kitchen. Humans are really not that different afterall !!... I kept finding myself coming back in new ways to old patterns - the activities and patterns that made me, "me" !! Whether its by our choice or by chance.... endings are always difficult - and more so transitions.
But its been 3 weeks now, since I moved on from hp - and slowly, am beginning to find myself again. I spent a great 10 days in Bangalore with Dad & Mom.... with no incessant cell phone ringing, meeting lot of old friends over beer and lunches and just relaxing. There are a lot of things that I have found time for after a long long time, like :
1) Starting a book and finishing it cover to cover in one go
2) Talking long into the night and then the next day again with Dad and Mom
3) Catching up with a lot of old friends, who I always wanted to catch up with, "sometime again"
4) Just sleeping long into the day and having brunch on a weekday
5) Visiting malls on a weekday
6) Sitting on my balcony enjoying the breeze and doing nothing
7) Catching up with Calvin, Hobbes, Asterix & Obelix again
If you think about it, all of nature actually works in a certain rhythm. Waves in the ocean gather themselves in silence after a huge surge, before beginning again towards the next crest. The leaf fall of Autumn is followed by winter - and then the green shoots appear again from the dry brown wood. Or think about how a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. Life more often than not, grows in the silences. The order of things in human affairs is not far different from that in nature. Interestingly in many older cultures, there is a formalized pattern for individual growth - often referred to as "rites of passage". The individual when deemed ready is taken out of the society he is a part of and sent for periods of isolation and introspection to the forests. The key idea being that he "dis-identifies" his older identity, since the old identity is seen to stand in the way of transition and transformation and self renewal. Then in ritualised ways, he is slowly rehabilitated into the same society with a new identity. There is an interesting quote from the amazing book by William bridges : "Making Sense Of Lifes Changes", where he quotes a wisecrack he picked up from a signpost in a bar. It read : "I ain't what I ought to be", "and I ain't what I am going to be. But I ain't what I was." Somehow, I relate to that wisecrack right now.
Less than two weeks to go before I start a new journey. Am not thinking too far ahead as yet .... one step at a time, one day at a time, I tell myself. I look around me and I really appreciate how lucky I am to get a chance to get a break like this. So, while it lasts, I am determined to make the most of it. Afterall, as a zen saying goes : After enlightenment, the laundry.
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