Searching For Me...

Perhaps the hardest thing about growing up - for me, was coming to peace with myself as a person. Which way do I lean ? Whats the best thing to do ? Whats the right thing to do ? Should I take all advise ? Or do I myself know best ? Should I follow my mind ? Or should I follow my heart ?...... By and large, a lot of these questions for me have answered themselves - what I know now is that there is no "one right path"..... there is no "5 easy steps to finding yourself"..... in retrospect, its always like the story about Honda and Buddhas eyebrows..... que sera sera.... what will be will be. This poem is a few years old..... the questions that I now ask have definitely changed, but the essential dilemma still poses itself many a times.... I guess this is what being human and growing is all about......

I'm too old to be a kid,
Too young to be a man.
Neither a prudish dude,
Nor a screaming punk.
I ain't the "traditional Indian guy",
Nor a "modern western clone".
I sometimes like the East,
And at times, the West, I love.
Sometimes an idealist,
Yet, no way, a moralist.
At times I am the obedient son,
And still sometimes a wild rebel.
A voice inside says, "Go along",
While another says, "Don't care a damn".
Who is me ?
Which am I ?
For Gods sake - Where do I stand ?

Rainbow

Love as the wise men say is a many hued experience...... figuratively, like a surfer riding the wild waves of a turbulent sea...... sometimes the heady highs, sometimes the frightful depressing lows, sometimes the joy of the cruise and sometimes the tumble.... but at the end of it all, never a surfer who would say....never again. For a long time, till I found my own island, I was a surfer too..... often in love, and more often... in love with love..... enjoying the ride, reaching out for the rainbow...... this was me again, in one of "those" romantic moods.......dream, dream, dream.....

For years now, I have been thinking of you - no, not always, but off and on - like pleasant dreams which one likes to recall - which bring traces of a smile to ones lips - a light headed feeling of suppressed joy.

Years roll on, but memories linger. Like the time we first met - and talked. It was I who blushed, wasn't it ? Well yet another incident to recall with a smile !

How soon we became friends ! College days - the fun, the studies, the heady spirit - indelible images printed in the mind for life. The innumerable times I would snatch a look at you - in class. The times when we would often be in a group - and yet I, would be so far away, alone with you. The days when I would look at you, and in silence let you know how much I love you. Days when I wished I could pour out my feelings for you - tell you how much I care - how much I wished to keep you happy always - to take your share of pain from you.

Time flies, doesn't it ?

The night sky appears beckoning. The beauty of a million stars and the silver moonlight spilling into the balcony, seems to wash us in a sea of love. There is not a question asked - not a word spoken. Just you and me and a sense of tranquility. just two little travellers going on and on in the journey of life, with no-one for support but us.

Yeah, the journey of life - past a few rusty towns, past a few hillocks and probably mountains too - but passing many a beautiful meadows, plains extending for miles and miles, a lot of beautiful gardens with bright sunshine and scaling many a summit of joy !

Where is our destination ? Where does the road lead ? - It hardly matters as long as you are with me.

Arriving through the flight of years, the two of us - working together, laughing together, growing together - knowing one another as well as any two persons ever could.

And then, the first few strand of white - yet, the mellowing of spirit, the maturing of thought - a glowing sense of satisfaction - a sense of accomplishment.

The train of thoughts chugs on and on.....

Yet, will you ever know ?
Will you ever understand ?
I wonder............

Thoughts Of Another Day....

My college just disappeared...... just read somewhere that R.E.C Durgapur has now become N.I.T Durgapur....... just does not have the same tone as "R.E College..... R.E.College" - as the conductors in those amazingly packed mini-buses would shout..... everytime I close my eyes to think of those days, a smile unfailingly breaks out in my face..... just pulled out a small mock-ad that I had done for our R.E.College in those days..... and its as if it was just yesterday again......

A college is not just another place to study in.
Its a temple to the human spirit.
A place that releases the best in you.

REGIONAL ENGINEERING COLLEGE, DURGAPUR

Like when you stroll through our sprawling
grounds - the Lords & the Oval
Like when you experience what freedom is
sitting at Jupes, Canteen or Samrat.
Like when you form friendships that
you know will last a lifetime
Like when you spend quite moments in our library
Or feel the sweat running down your face
as you work out in our gymnasium.

We can go on and on and on......
But well, some things are to be experienced
...................not just told or heard about !

R.E.C DURGAPUR
.......... not just a college, a temple
.......... not just an institution, an experience !!

Till We Meet Again.....

This was a small note that I had penned while in B-school for the batch of 98, when they were passing out of college. Some of the folks liked it so much that they got this printed in a small note and pasted it on the momento boxes that were given out. Few things give me the kind of high that seeing my words in print do. This was one such time.........
Its a small world.....
Of different stations,
But criss-crossing paths;
Today we are together,
Tomorrow you take your way;
In between we share our memories,
A collage of feelings, thoughts & experiences
Until the time is ripe,
For our paths to cross again;
Until the time is ripe,
To say Hello again......farewell

The Journey Is The Destination

This was a poem that I had written for my wife when we were in college. We were very much in love with each other, but being two such different people, we did take our time to find a common tune. This was on one such occassion when we had moved apart - and were tentatively trying to find a way back again...to each other.

If I am I,
And You are you,
Yet in being so,
If I am hurting you,
Should the change be in me ?
Or should it be in you ?

Is this 'compromising' ?
Or is it 'adjusting' ?
Or are these just two complex words,
To indicate we are 'changing' ?

Two people haven't loved,
Who haven't fought before.
There never was a love,
That didn't hurt before.

Perhaps in so 'changing',
We discover ourselves once more,
Moving beyond the "You" and "I",
To find "Us" for evermore.

All in the game

Flash back to REC days again...... those happy-go-lucky times, that was mostly one long holiday - with the occassional formality from time to time of having to give exams.... I was mostly a decent student when it came to academics...... but one paper which still gives me the chills when I think of it, was "Structural Engineering"..... that hieroglyphic maze of bending moment and shear force diagrams...urgh.....one paper that refused to be mastered with one night of night-out and cramming......and so, the inevitable happened - I actually failed the paper and had to redo it again.....in engineering college jargon, it was called - getting a suppli ..... something generally pretty dreadful.....but the most serious of situations sometimes also affords us a laugh, like it happened to me..... read on......

Life is a roller coaster - at times carrying us to those blissful peaks of ecastacy, but at times, plunging us to the abysmal depths of depression and dejection - with its all enveloping darkness and gloom. A realm where grey often appears black and a smirk often seems a sneer.

But yet, as the prophets of yesterday would often tell us - that old worn out cliche - "If you can smile at life, life will smile back at you". The minute we see the humour in our often lugubrious predicament, the dark clouds of gloom suddenly seem to lift, ushering in the rays of hope and taking the impossible into the realms of possibility.

Failing in a subject in exams may not exactly be most peoples' idea of humour. It wasn't mine either - not until I had an experience of what it really felt like.

The next day after the fateful news broke, I got up as usual. Sleep for me was the ultimate narcotic, blurring the immediate future, wiping clean the past. The first half an hour of each day hence sees me more as a mechanical zombie going through the motions, rather than as a thinking, feeling person.

It was in this state that I made to proceed towards the students mess, my eyelids yet to cover half the distance up, when one of my friends came up behind me.

He placed a hand on my shoulder, drew near, with a voice laced with emotion, bordering on grief, he whispered, "Arun, I'm sorry". My sleepy mind raced to attention. One part of it had already raced ahead, "There hasn't been an earthquake, back home in Bangalore, has there ?" I thought. "Why, what happened ?" I gasped, almost impatiently.

He gave me a look usually reserved for the kith and kin of the deceased and then almost mournfully said, "I heard about your suppli, yaar".

I couldn't help but console him. I took his hands in mine and said, "Its okay, it'll soon be over". "But why you ?", he asked. "It happens", I said, and then almost as a justification, "What else do you expect if a person takes Structures with a nights preparation ?", "Anyways, forget it, yaar". But he persisted, "And of all the professors, it had to be this person only ?" "He does not pass guys easily".

By then, I had started feeling genuine pity for him. With all the re-assuarance I could muster, I told him once again, "Look, its okay. So what if its him ? If I perform well, hes got to pass me, right ?"

He still didn't look too convinced. He was still giving me the "sacrificial goat" look, and if I had probably tried hard, I might have probably spotted the beginnings of a tear too. Anyhow, he gave me two quick raps on the shoulder, said "All the best", and a trifle sadly, walked on. "Don't worry", I shouted back to him as I walked on.

It was soon after, that the humour of this peculiar role reversal struck me, and I burst out laughing in the mess. "What happened ?" my friends around me asked.

"Nothing" I said, "I got a suppli" !!

Hasta La Vista

Had written this small piece when we were on the verge of passing out of B-school...... like in every institution, the expreiences & memories for me, of those days - are a mixed bag..... with the biggest positive ofcourse, being that I found my wife studying in the same batch as me :-) .... and for that one reason itself - XIM will always hold special memories......
Here I get off my friend,
Its been nice knowing you.
We've shared the trip, we've swapped our tales,
We shared some joy and sorrow too.
At times we didn't see eye-to-eye,
It was perhaps the age, perhaps the height ?
And yet, here we are - the destination,
Or perhaps you go ahead some more ?
Good luck dear friend - God be with you,
Perhaps you can drop in a line ?
Until someday our paths shall cross again,
And we can swap our stories once more.

A dream to live by....

This was me in the growing up years...... I've always believed in the "someone somewhere waiting for you" line...... life seemed so much more hopeful and positive that way.... but then, there were those days, when the wait seemed endless ,,,,, and I had to really try hard to continue to believe....... What is it that I am searching for ?
What is it that I am chasing ?

Like a mirage that moves on and on,
A shadow that is haunting.

Like a dress of golden sunlight,
Sand blown through my fingers.

Here for a moment and gone again,
Very much mine and still not quite....

Will there ever be a "someone special" ?
A fairy come wafting by ?

To touch me with her caring ways,
To put the sparkle in my life ?

Someone to share my joys, my pain,
My laughter, my jokes, my tales.
Someone to talk to through the night,
And someone to wake up to with a smile.

Animal Talk

All animals talk.....if only we could understand !! Every morning as I step out of my house - I hear dogs barking nearby, birds crying out in the distance, an occasional cat who purrs by as he quickly rushes on and sometimes the plaintive long bellow of a cow or buffalo on the roads. So much of converstaion all around, it really is a talkative world !!


For those of us who call Bangalore home though, no animal sound can be more familiar than the soporific, persistent droning of mosquitoes - who despite all our clumsy swishes and swats, refuse to be discouraged.

A number of times - lying alone in my bed, I have wondered how it would be if only we could understand these animals talk....if only mankind could break through this last existing language barrier !! I've always suspected - that these mosquitoes in particular are not so dumb, helpless and pre-historic as they make themselves out to be. Anyone whos experienced the worst of Bangalore mosquitoes - like me, will tell you - the attack sometimes seems so beautifully co-ordinated and executed....something like the bombing sorties that the airforce folks carry out.

Fast forward to an era where mankind has finally broken this last existing barrier....heres how a report on one such mosquito sortie would sound.....

"The lights went out and the mosquitoes took off, each of them from a seperate base - but soon, they re-grouped, circling the room in concentric circles with gradual descent - splendid, perfect co-ordination !

Machhar-1 had already identified one target, a fat plump boy sleeping on the bed near the window. As Machhar-1 swept down the room, he spotted a second, a swarthy man with an aquiline nose and a short greying beard, lying alongside the door at the western end of the room. He switched on his R/T (receiver-transmitter) ....'Zero one to Pygmalion. We'll attack on a reciprocal course. Follow me at 12 seconds interval. Good luck'. The reconnaissance was over. The attack was on !!

Machhar-1 went into a steep climb and began to turn. Led by Machhar-2, the string of mosquitoes followed and began to orbit over the western approaches of the room. Machhar-1 steadied. The metallic voice of the automatic navigator sounded in its ear phones, 'ok captain... ready when you are'.

Below the panic signals had gone off. There was frantic movement everywhere. People were reaching for their blankets and tugging them on.

Banking steeply, Machhar-1 went into a shallow dive. the target was rising like a grotesque giant as the diving mosquito swept towards it to a pre-determined landing site. By this time the electronic mosquito repeller had already started firing. Machhar-1 swung off course. The RASS (Rapid randon site scanner) had already identified another landing site..... more firing..... automatic Pavlovian reflexes landing almost dead on target. Machhar-1 could feel the sweat running down its face as it listened to the navigators instructions, 'Right skipper, right..... hold it there'. the mosquito made a clean landing - siphon pumps almost immediately drawing out.

'Smooth landing captain.....siphon pumps operating......full throttle..... intake 1 microlitre per second..... early warning systems on full alert.......radar scanners in operation.....' it was the navigator again.

The mosquito was bracketed in several swishes and swats for seemingly endless seconds. then once again, the navigator yelled, 'capacity reached. Siphon pumps being withdrawn..... early warning sounded.... anti-mosquito missile detected on radar screen..... dead on target.... angular velocity 15 cms/ second..... coming in from 58 N 36 S....... drift captain drift' Machhar-1 went on a lateral shift, cleverly out of range of the incoming swat missile and then reared up like a frightened horse as the reflex slammed home, right on their landing site. Bathed in sweat, machhar-1 switched on the R/T again...'Zero one to Pygmalion....in you go'.....the attack continued."

A pretty interesting plausible scenario - isn't it ? ..... On the lighter side heres a teaser I heard : "What did one male elephant tell another as a female (elephant) passed by ?"
ANS : "Wow !! thats a perfect 350-365-365" !!

So the next time you hear an animal talk ..... listen closely, jokes - laughs and conversations are indeed everywhere !!!

Poetry in the mundane

Heres a really creative piece of poetry that I came across - don't know who the author is - but he seems to have found music in the seemingly mundane activity of typing (probably using a typewriter ?).....

wacka wacka bang splat tick tick hash
Caret quote back tick $ $ dash
Bang splat = at $ underscore
% splat wacka wacka tilde no.4
Ampersand ( ) ( ) dot dot slash
Vertcal bar, curly bracket
comma comma CRASH

Things You Didn't Do

This is a touching piece of poetry I came across in a very nice book that I recently read - "Living, Loving & Learning" by Leo.F.Buscaglia. We so very often put away for another day - telling the people we love that we really do care..... perhaps being expressive is not so macho ?.... or perhaps its the Indian middle class values of not being expressive with our love, that comes in the way..... for all such of us (and we are plenty !!).....this poem touches a chord.

Remember the day I borrowed your brand new car
And dented it ?
I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't.
And remember the time I dragged you to the beach,
And you said it would rain, and it did ?
I thought you'd say, "I told you so".
But you didn't.
Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys,
To make you jealous, and you were ?
I thought you'd leave me, but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie,
All over your car rug ?
I thought you'd hit me, but you didn't.
And remember the time I forgot to tell you,
The dance was formal & you showed up in jeans ?
I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't.
Yes, there were lots of things you didn't do.
But you put up with me, you loved me
And you protected me.
There were lots of things that I wanted to make up
To you when you returned from vietnam.
But you didn't.

Love it when its raining !!

Rains....just the thought - often brings a hint of a smile to my lips.....rains, as in dark clouds, as in being curled up in bed with a nice book and hot Horlicks, as in the smell of freshness, as in the soothing pitter-patter on window panes, as in Raj Kapoor and Nargis under one umbrella.....I really do love it when its raining !!

I love to watch the rain,
The soft and tender rain,
Teeny weeny drops,
Coming miles and miles and miles.

Hey little chaps, do I know you ?
That you come to meet me so ?
Sending a chill up my spine,
As you hug me so.....

The swaying of the trees,
The chirping of the birds,
Somewhere up over there,
Theres a magician at work !

The smell of the soil,
The patter of the rain,
The distant rumbling thunder,
Following the silver streaks of light.

Tender little drops,
Collected drop by drop with care,
Sent down to earth for me,
With a bountiful hand.

Oh how I love the rain !
The soft and tender rain,
Teeny weeny drops,
Coming miles and miles and miles.

Some time, with me

Its not often that I get to do this - and these days, has become increasingly difficult - to find that time just alone, pondering, thinking, dreaming.....but every once in a while, the cancerian part of me craves to do just this.....

I want to be alone, with me.
Want to spend some time, with me.
To spend some time gazing,
To spend some time thinking,
To spend some time......
In solitude with me.

I want some time in silence,
Some time in utter isolation,
To be, alone with me.
Some time to spend dreaming,
To listen to my heart beating......
Some time, all alone, just with me.

I want to go deep within,
To a place so serene,
With not the slightest bother or care.
To live, just the way I want,
At just the pace I please,
With not a soul around.......
But me.

Walk with me....

This was me - in my college years - ever the perennial romantic, looking to the stars - and wondering, is "that" special person in my life also looking at the same star at the same time ? And when she does - does she wonder about meeting me ?

Walking down the years,
Dreaming every day,
Hoping every minute,
To come across YOU.

Sharing our lives,
Living our dreams,
Walking through clouds,
Being with you.

Through thick and through thin,
Through laughter, through pain,
You by me and me by you,
Forever young - forever true.

Do you see my dreams ?
Do you feel my thoughts ?
Do you think of me,
As I do of you ?

A new dawn

I've always had a special relationship with God - I've always spoken to him like he was a friend who listens and often helps.....and in strange unexplainable ways - I've always felt that he does answer in some funny ways...........

With tears in my eyes,
And a fractured heart,
I knelt before God one day,
"Oh God, my Lord, my Father in heaven",
"Why do this to me ?" I cried.

My God was quiet, perhaps asleep,
For not a word in comfort did he say,
And thus in my thoughts, when I was lost,
Came a voice - loud, clear and near.

"Hey Jesus ! Is this God ?" I thought,
But then, the voice seemed familiar,
And all of a sudden it occured to me,
It was "THE NEWS", by Gitanjali Iyer !

"A hundred killed, thousands homeless",
"Children on the streets", she said.
"Hungry stomachs and outstretched hands"
Well, problems everywhere.

It was then that something clicked inside,
And a voice inside me, asked me -
If your fates as bad as you think,
Would you care to swap places, my friend ?

Suddenly everything seemed so changed,
The world no longer gloomy,
Perhaps it was my sleepy God at work,
Or was it some change in me ?

Just another moment in time

A baby in the family after such a long break - they seem to bring in such a paradigm shift. Penned this when baby Arpita touched down...... it was almost like she was sent with a little pouch sprinkling magic everywhere.....wonder how it will be when we have little fellows running around in our house !!!

Just another,
Moment in time.
A - momentary pause,
Hush - for the angels of God are here,
To bring a little princess home.

A little princess,
With twinkling eyes,
And as tiny as she looks,
What magic shes brought down on us,
What new freshness, new hopes, new dreams.

A whole new world,
New thoughts - new goals,
A new generation arrives.
And so life renews, recharges, resurges,
All in - Just another moment in time.

Chameleon

In the casual swat of a hand - a fly loses its life....hopes, dreams, plans and emotions - are they in the domain of humans only ?.....who really knows ?

Unto the starry night, a mother,
Once set her little afree.
A strapping young fellow so full of life,
Of wonder, of liberty.

Oh ! the joy, the ecstacy,
The pleasure of being free.
Of gliding, of diving, of soaring above,
What adventure it can be !

"Oh life, Oh life, I love it" he said,
What mysteries in store for me ?
What veils to be lifted yet ?
What beauty beckons me !

There was a stroke of lightning,
A flicker of a hand.
That instant of a mocking fate,
Sneering at life, at hope, at dreams !

The world moves on, unseeing, uncaring,
But somewhere a mother mourns on,
For the death of her darling, her lovely,
Her pride - the bubbly little fly.